Your child is struggling with anxiety. They’re avoiding challenges. They’re people-pleasing to the point of exhaustion. They’re not sure who they are or what matters to them. And you’re watching them shrink, trying to be what everyone else wants them to be.
Here’s what I’ve learned as both a psychologist and a parent: anxiety doesn’t just disappear when you teach coping skills. Real, lasting freedom from anxiety comes when a child knows who they are and what they stand for. When they have a sense of purpose and meaning. When they’re living according to their values instead of their fears.
That’s where values-based parenting comes in.
Values-based parenting isn’t about forcing your child to adopt your values. It’s about helping them discover their own—what matters to them, what kind of person they want to be, what they’re willing to stand up for. And then supporting them in living according to those values, even when it’s uncomfortable or scary.
When children have a strong sense of values, anxiety loses its power. Because suddenly, the anxious voice (“Don’t try, you might fail”) competes with a stronger voice (“This matters to me, and I’m going to do it anyway”).
As a psychologist who’s worked with thousands of anxious children, and as a mother who’s watched values transform my own children’s relationship with anxiety, I can tell you: this is the missing piece in most anxiety treatment. This is what creates lasting change.
In this guide, I’ll help you understand what values are, why they’re so powerful for anxious children, and how to help your child discover and live according to their values.
What Are Values? (And Why They’re Different From Goals)
Before we go further, let’s clarify what we mean by values.
Goals are outcomes. “Get an A on the test.” “Make the soccer team.” “Have five friends.” Goals are specific, measurable, and time-bound. They can be achieved or failed.
Values are directions. They’re about who you want to be and how you want to live. “Being a good friend.” “Working hard.” “Being brave.” “Being kind.” “Being honest.” Values aren’t achieved—they’re lived. They’re an ongoing practice, not a destination.
Here’s the critical difference for anxious children:
When a child is focused on goals, anxiety thrives. Because goals can be failed. “What if I don’t get the A? What if I don’t make the team? What if nobody likes me?” The stakes feel impossibly high.
But when a child is focused on values, anxiety loses power. Because values can’t be failed. “My value is being a good friend. I might say something awkward at the party, but I can still be a good friend. My value is working hard. I might not get an A, but I can still work hard.”
Values shift the focus from outcome to effort, from performance to character, from “Am I good enough?” to “Am I living according to what matters to me?”
And that shift is transformative for anxious children.
Why Values Matter for Anxious Children
1. Values Create Meaning
Anxious children often feel like they’re just trying to survive—avoid failure, avoid judgment, avoid embarrassment. Life feels reactive and defensive. But when a child has values, life has direction and meaning. They’re not just trying to avoid bad things; they’re working toward something that matters.
This shift from avoidance to approach is powerful. It gives anxiety less room to operate.
2. Values Provide Motivation Beyond Fear
Anxiety is a powerful motivator, but it’s a negative one. “Do this or something bad will happen.” Values provide positive motivation. “Do this because it matters to you. Do this because it’s who you want to be.”
When a child is motivated by values instead of fear, they’re more resilient. They can face discomfort because they’re moving toward something meaningful, not just running away from something scary.
3. Values Build Identity and Self-Worth
Anxious children often have fragile self-worth. They’re dependent on external validation—grades, peer approval, parental praise. But when a child knows their values and lives according to them, self-worth becomes internal. “I’m a good friend because I show up for people I care about. I’m brave because I try things even when I’m scared. I’m honest because I tell the truth even when it’s hard.”
This internal sense of worth is immune to external criticism and rejection. It’s much more stable.
4. Values Help Children Make Decisions
Anxious children often freeze when faced with decisions. “What if I choose wrong? What if people judge me?” But when a child has clear values, decisions become easier. “What would a kind person do? What would a brave person do? What would an honest person do?”
Values become a compass. They guide behavior even in uncertain situations.
5. Values Create Connection and Belonging
When a child knows their values and finds others who share those values, they experience genuine belonging. Not the anxious “fitting in” where they’re pretending to be someone they’re not. But real connection with people who appreciate who they actually are.
This sense of belonging is one of the most powerful anxiety reducers.
Common Values for Children Ages 8-12
Every child is unique, but here are some values that often resonate with children in this age group:
- Kindness: Caring about others’ feelings, helping, being compassionate
- Honesty: Telling the truth, being authentic, not pretending
- Courage: Trying things even when scared, standing up for what’s right, facing challenges
- Hard work: Putting in effort, persisting through difficulty, not giving up easily
- Loyalty: Being a good friend, showing up for people who matter, being trustworthy
- Curiosity: Asking questions, learning new things, exploring ideas
- Creativity: Expressing yourself, making new things, thinking differently
- Fairness: Treating people equally, standing up against injustice, being just
- Respect: Valuing others’ perspectives, listening, treating people with dignity
- Self-care: Taking care of your body and mind, setting boundaries, knowing when to rest
- Family: Caring about family relationships, being there for family members
- Fun/Joy: Finding pleasure, laughing, enjoying life
- Growth: Learning from mistakes, improving, becoming better
The key is that these values come from your child, not from you. Your job is to help them discover what matters to them, not to impose your values on them.
How to Help Your Child Discover Their Values
Strategy 1: Ask Powerful Questions
The best way to help your child discover their values is through conversation. Ask questions that help them reflect on what matters to them:
- “Who do you admire? What do you admire about them?” (Their admiration often reflects their values)
- “When do you feel most like yourself?” (Values are often present in moments of authenticity)
- “What would you do if you weren’t scared?” (Often reveals values being blocked by anxiety)
- “What makes you angry or upset?” (Values are often revealed by what we care enough to be upset about)
- “If you could change one thing about the world, what would it be?” (Reveals values about justice, kindness, etc.)
- “What do you want people to remember about you?” (Reveals the kind of person they want to be)
- “What’s something you’re proud of?” (Pride often indicates living according to values)
- “What’s hard for you to do, but you do it anyway?” (Often indicates values in action)
Listen more than you talk. Let your child’s answers guide the conversation. Don’t correct or judge their answers—just listen and reflect back what you hear.
Strategy 2: Notice and Name Values in Action
Help your child recognize their values by noticing when they’re living according to them:
“I noticed you shared your snack with your friend even though you were hungry. That shows you value kindness.”
“You tried that new activity even though you were nervous. That took courage.”
“You told the truth even though you were worried I’d be upset. That shows you value honesty.”
This is more powerful than praise. You’re not just saying “Good job.” You’re helping them see who they are and what they stand for. You’re building their identity around their values.
Strategy 3: Share Your Own Values
Children learn values by watching adults live them. Share your values with your child:
“I value honesty, so even though it’s uncomfortable, I’m going to tell my friend the truth.”
“I value family, so I’m going to make time for our family dinner even though I’m busy.”
“I value growth, so I’m going to try this new skill even though I might not be good at it.”
Talk about times you’ve struggled to live according to your values. Show your child that values aren’t about perfection—they’re about trying, failing, and trying again.
Strategy 4: Create a Family Values Statement
Work together as a family to identify shared values. This might look like:
“In our family, we value honesty, kindness, and trying our best. We support each other. We laugh together. We’re not perfect, but we keep trying.”
Post this somewhere visible. Refer to it when making decisions. Use it as a touchstone for family culture.
Strategy 5: Help Them Identify Their Top 3-5 Values
It’s easy to say you value everything. But real values are the ones that matter most. Help your child narrow down to their top 3-5 values:
“If you could only choose three things that matter most to you, what would they be?”
Write them down. Put them somewhere your child will see them regularly. These become their personal compass.
How to Help Your Child Live According to Their Values
Strategy 1: Use Values to Make Decisions
When your child faces a decision or challenge, help them think about their values:
“You’re nervous about trying out for the play. What’s one of your values? … Courage. If you’re living according to your value of courage, what might you do?”
“Your friend wants you to copy their homework. What’s one of your values? … Honesty. If you’re living according to your value of honesty, what might you do?”
This isn’t about telling them what to do. It’s about helping them access their own internal compass. They get to decide, but they’re deciding based on what matters to them, not on fear or peer pressure.
Strategy 2: Normalize Values Conflicts
Sometimes values conflict. A child might value both “being a good friend” and “being honest,” but their friend asks them to lie. Help them navigate these conflicts:
“I see you’re stuck. You value being a good friend AND being honest, and right now those feel like they’re in conflict. That’s really hard. What do you think you want to do?”
Help them see that living according to values sometimes means making hard choices. And that’s okay. That’s actually what builds character.
Strategy 3: Celebrate Values-Based Choices, Not Just Outcomes
This is crucial for anxious children. Celebrate the choice to live according to values, regardless of the outcome:
“You didn’t make the soccer team, and I know you’re disappointed. But I’m so proud of you for trying. You showed courage, and that’s what matters.”
“You spoke up in class even though you were nervous. You might have gotten the answer wrong, but you lived according to your value of courage. That’s what I’m proud of.”
This teaches your child that living according to values is the win, not the outcome. This is transformative for anxious children.
Strategy 4: Help Them Find Their People
Help your child connect with others who share their values. This might be:
- A club or activity aligned with their interests (art club, book club, sports team)
- A friend group that shares their values
- An online community of people who care about the same things
- A mentor or role model who embodies their values
When a child finds their people—people who share their values—belonging becomes real. And anxiety loses its grip.
Strategy 5: Use Values to Manage Anxiety
When your child is anxious, help them reconnect with their values:
“You’re nervous about the presentation. I know that’s scary. But remember, one of your values is courage. And another is sharing what you know. If you’re living according to those values, what might you do?”
This doesn’t make the anxiety disappear. But it gives your child something stronger than anxiety to hold onto. It shifts their focus from “What if I fail?” to “What matters to me?”
Values and the Superpower Kids Philosophy
This is where the Superpower Kids Values Books come in. Each book is designed to help children explore and practice a specific value over four weeks. Through character stories, guided activities, and reflection questions, children don’t just learn about values—they practice living them.
And that practice is where real change happens.
The books are structured so that children experience what it feels like to live according to their values. They see characters modeling the value. They practice the value in activities. They reflect on their own experiences. And gradually, the value becomes part of who they are.
This is especially powerful for anxious children. Because as they practice living according to their values, anxiety naturally decreases. They’re no longer trapped in avoidance. They’re moving toward something that matters.
The Transformation That Happens
I’ve watched this transformation happen hundreds of times. An anxious child who was trapped in avoidance and fear discovers their values. They start making choices based on what matters to them instead of what they’re afraid of. They find their people. They build an identity around their values instead of their anxiety.
And gradually, they change. Not because the anxiety disappears—but because it matters less. Because they’re living a life that’s meaningful and authentic. Because they know who they are and what they stand for.
That’s the power of values-based parenting. It’s not just about reducing anxiety. It’s about helping your child become the person they want to be.
Your child doesn’t need to be perfect. They don’t need to be fearless. They need to know that they matter. That their values matter. That living according to what’s important to them is worth the discomfort and the risk.
When they know that, everything changes.
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